The 7 People You’ll Always Find On Your School Friends WhatsApp Group
What do you, I and your mom have in common?
Quick Hint: Not herpes.
It’s the inevitable reckoning that comes for us all – a “School Friends” Whatsapp group.
Whether you’re the unholy beast who initiated it or an innocent victim who was dragged in kicking and screaming – once you’re in there’s no escape.
There is no retreat. No respite . Only plans that will be made but never come to life.
#1 The “Remember That Time When?”
Do you remember that time when that one teacher did that one thing and you were like 11 years old? Of course you don’t – your brain is now occupied with more useful shit – like your company’s holiday calendar.
But somehow this omniscient God remembers everything – the good, the bad and the one time you farted in front of the entire class and everyone laughed at you and your incompetent bowels.
#2 The Man With A Plan
This guy knows his shit. The best restaurants in town, the clubs that are the most fun to hang out in, the ticket prices for every event in your city, even the precise time it’ll take for your Uber to arrive.
His phone is a supercomputer housing precious information his brain uses to formulate the perfect plan.
Get in – have fun- retreat. A master strategist, a brilliant tactician, and a giant pain in the ass.
#3 The Cancellation Ninja
The Man With A Plan has one sworn enemy. This guy.
He’s great online – till you choose to meet him in the flesh. Then it’s a shower of dead grandmas, diarrhoea and late meetings. With the speed of autumnal winds and the precision of a paper cut – he delivers excuses with a consistency that will put the best delivery guy to shame.
An art that has been passed down through his family for generations – he’s always out partying – just not with you.
#4 The One With A Real Job
What do consultants do anyway? How in the hell is he so busy? Isn’t he as old as you are? Which 20-year-old drinks wine for fuck’s sake?
He’s got his shit together, his capital invested and his ties tied correctly. He doesn’t say much on the group, except the few times he shares advice about stocks and bitcoins.
#5 The “Hey Everyone!”
Hey guys! It’s been so long.
Boom. That’s it.
No more will ever be said. The one creep who’s content to start a conversation and never follow through. Because why take the effort to talk to people when you can get them to talk to each other?
#6 The Mom/Dad
These people who make your genitals feel hopelessly underqualified lurk in every group making certain you know that they’ve had a baby. Their uterus’s and testes have done more after graduation than you can ever hope for.
Not to mention the ceaseless baby photos that will have you crying out desperately for some good old-fashioned unsolicited dick pics.
You have no clue what you did to deserve this. Why has fate thought it fair to have your dignity dampened by being a part of this?
In fact, you can’t even remember who added you. Or the people on this group. In fact, you’re prettty sure this is another group of people altogether who’ve added you by mistake.
But you’d rather walk through fir than suffer the indignity of a public walk-out. Our sympathies.
KEEP IN TOUCH!
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