8 Of The Most Terrifying Childcare Inventions That No One Needed
Taking care of a growing baby isn’t like taking care of say, a car. You rarely get second chances with these little angelic devils.
So over the years, experts in childcare have strived to make the task easy, convenient and as error-free as possible. Some of them, however, probably sleep-deprived, ignored that bit about safety when designing the terrifying inventions on this list.
These childcare nightmares, far from being baby-friendly, were clearly made with the benefit of adults in mind.
1. The Baby Porch
The answer to the growing concerns about raising young children in tight spaces was obviously to suspended them a hundred feet above ground in their very own “porch”.
The monstrosity could be installed outside any window, and its barred windows and netting kept the baby from climbing out. An iron brace enabled it to carry 500 pounds of weight, while anchors protected it from strong winds.
What could possibly go wrong?
2. The Automatic Cradle
Exhausted from having to constantly pacify his crying baby, Sheldon D. Vanderburgh made a baby hammock that could rock itself. The gentle ticking noise would even soothe his baby to sleep.
That doesn’t sound so bad until you realize that the “hammock” looks like a laundry hamper.
3. The Baby Holder
This Baby Can, designed by Caleb M. Prather, of Evanston, Illinois, allowed young parents to conveniently stash their baby away when they needed to travel.
When awake, the baby could sit upright and when asleep, he could be snugly tucked into the can, while breathing through the air holes.
Unfortunately, it wasn’t soundproof.
4. The Blacklight Crib
The black light baby alarm for cribs was an invention triggered by kidnappings and was much like the high-tech laser alarms you see in heist movies.
Concealed behind a curtain, the black light would focus on an electric sensor that would trigger an alarm if the barrier was breached.
5. The Bicycle Baby Carriage
Emile Eberle’s handlebar baby carriage seems like a perfect way to enjoy the park in summer. The seat was fastened to the handlebars, while a metal supporting frame anchored the chair to the axle of the front wheel.
Seems like a legit fun ride, until you chose to speed over a speed breaker or into a pole. Oops.
6. The Baby Gas Mask
With an imminent war looming ahead, the threat of gas attacks was no laughing matter in 1938. To protect their little ones, the French developed a full-body gas mask to mimic the protection of the womb.
The device was basically an airtight sack equipped with a rubber lung and filter unit. The inflow of air was externally controlled.
Looks A LOT like a body bag to me.
7. The Baby Branding Device
In an effort to prevent baby mix-ups, someone decided that sunburns were humanity’s best shot.
That’s about the time they invented an ultraviolet hand-held lamp that would burn a baby’s initials onto its skin with the help of a stencil.
The pale marks would fade away after a couple of weeks but stayed on long enough to prevent your baby from being handed over to someone else. Yay!
8. The Baby Walker
Most babies learn to walk on their own once they’re ready, but one Swiss engineer decided to expedite the process a bit.
He strapped wooden beams between his legs and those of his baby so he could guide its movements. A harness attached to an overhead pulley kept the child upright and balanced.
Geez. Talk about wanting your kid to follow in your footsteps!
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