8 Tips To Increase Your Chances Of Survival In A Horror Movie
Disclaimer: I’ve never actually been in a horror movie, but I do commute by a Mumbai suburban train every day so I know a thing or two about survival.
In every horror movie, people almost always end up doing the same stupid things over and over again until they drop dead like flies.
Why do they ignore the obvious? And why don’t they check out this handy survival guide already?
Don’t be like them. You take notes.
1. Don’t turn detective
Seriously. When something strange happens, say at 3 a.m., don’t fucking get out of bed to investigate.
If it’s the cat, you’ll find out in the morning.
If it’s something worse, you’ll find out anyway.
2. Don’t go off on your own
If you must go investigate, take your friends and family along too. There’s really no need to be a hero.
Remember, the size of your group is inversely proportional to the chances of you getting killed.
3. Don’t go into the attic or the basement
That thing that’s terrifying you – it’s most probably going to be in there. Save yourself a precious few minutes and use them to escape.
4. Don’t open locked doors
Seriously? Are you following anything I’m saying? It was locked to keep in things far more sinister than your sister’s singing voice.
Let it stay that way.
5. Don’t pocket and play with strange things
There’s a reason those music boxes and dolls and ouija boards and diaries were left behind.
But you couldn’t keep from the thought, could you, you little kleptomaniac?
6. Make sure your blanket covers both feet
And both arms. And your head too. Apparently, ghosts like playing with their food.
And everyone knows, when the lights go out, there’s no shield more impenetrable than your blanket.
7. Don’t mess around with the dead
Don’t try to talk to them, don’t try to listen, don’t try to help. Also, don’t read their diaries – that’s just rude.
8. When things start to move, move out
Malevolent spirits love moving around furniture at odd hours like your neighbours. Except they do it in your own house. Without your consent. Without following the latest interior decorating trends.
So yeah, when those chairs start rocking and flying, you might want to walk out that door.
Just don’t forget to look over your shoulder while you do.
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