10 Ridiculously Expensive Versions Of The Things You Use In Your Toilets and Bathrooms Everyday

Our toilets are important to us. Our day begins in the toilet and if we get too drunk, it ends in the toilet. Toilets are the one place where we can be ourselves. It is the place we can be alone with our thoughts, alone with our Tinder and alone with our pornography.
We brush our teeth in there, we poop our poops in there and hide from our boss in there. They are equalizers, from the greatest to the common, all men must poop.

But there are some who insist on making toilets different for the rich and poor, these are the people who must be that stopped.

P.S. I understand many homes have a separate toilet and bathroom, mine does not. So for brevity’s sake, we shall refer to the wet bits of our homes as ‘toilet’. 

#1 Soap


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See, all soap needs to do is wash the dirt off your body. It’s not a tough job. It doesn’t even need to smell good, as long as it makes you smell less like two days worth of armpit, it’s good enough.

Which is why spending 34 rupees should be more than enough. If one spends one lakh, the soap better wash off all your sins, your credit card debt, cholesterol and make your crotch smell slightly better than it usually does.

#2 Shampoo


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No matter what you say, no zulf ghaneri shaam is worth this shit. Imagine spending upwards of 1000 bucks every time you decide to shampoo twice because your hair was a little dirtier than usual.

The Voss water this shampoo comes with is said to promote hair growth, which it better. Hopefully, you can grow your hair long enough to use as clothing and shelter when you have to sell the rest of your shit to keep using this shampoo.

#3 Commode


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Let’s just say this first – you can’t technically use the solid gold toilet. It’s just there in a room full of gold. Gold tiles, gold dustbin, gold cabinet.

But imagine if you were a gold toilet. You’re the envy of the world. You’re worth millions. But, your life is missing something, purpose.

Har zindagi ki ek manzil hoti hain…and this toilet will never achieve it. The feeling of poo sliding down it’s waiting chute. It will forever remain adhura.

#4 Shaving Cream


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Initially one would think – there’s no harm in taking care of yourself. After all, shaving cream is something that goes on your face before you run blades over it. It might as well be the best money can buy.

Then you think – who is this asshole who can afford to put more into his beard than I can into my rent?

Then you feel poor.

#5 Razors


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Guys, your beards are great and all, but this much? THIS MUCH? When will this madness end? WHEN!

Not only is iridium exceedingly rare, it’s probably used for things I’m too lazy to Google. Imagine how much of it you’re wasting to keep your douchebag moustache look douchier.

Actually, faces aren’t the only thing people shave…

Congratulations, now your crotch has a cut worst 60,000.

#6 Deodorant


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As anybody who has lived or god forbid traveled in India knows, we stink.

Not metaphorically, quite literally, stink. The most unifying smell is a thousand armpits pushing in unison while trying to get onto a train. Clearly, the deodorants we are using aren’t working too well.

Maybe it’s time for a change. Maybe it’s time for us to rub John Varvatos on ourselves as hard as we can.

#7 Perfume


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Okay, we don’t smell that bad.

There’s absolutely no need to spend Mukesh Ambani’s entire hair-gel budget on one bottle of perfume.

Apparently, one bottle is made of a material so fragile that it breaks three out of 5 times when the bottle is being made. It also has a 24-carat gold ring around its neck. It also smells like roses.

Kind of like the garland they’ll put around your bank account’s corpse before they light it on fire. Think about it, you could be the best smelling person filing for bankruptcy ever.

#8 Towel


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If you have enough water to warrant 34,000 rupee towels, you clearly don’t need to take a bath. Simply wipe yourself in 100 rupee notes till the dirt starts flaking off your skin.

For best results, use fresh 100 rupee notes, unless the government discontinues them. In this case, 2000 rupee notes can be substituted.

#9 Hairbrush


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Should somebody tell these guys you can comb your hair with your fingers…for free.

Maybe it’s time to give up. Shave our heads, move to the mountains and never go to the toilet again. Because no matter how we try and clean ourselves, we’re clearly not doing a good enough job.

Fuck it, let’s just go.

#10 Literal Golden Poo


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Guys, your body is doing this all by itself. Your asshole isn’t taking a commission for every poop you poop.

Why are you doing this? Who’s looking?

Who is this product for? Who are these people who take a lingering look before flushing the toilet? Don’t they have better things to look at? Why are you literally shitting money?

When your poop looks better than your face, that’s when some serious questions need to be asked.

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Posted by

Mehernaz Patel

"Not as funny as she thinks she is..." -Facebook Comment Section

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