Stop Telling Me I Don’t Need A Relationship To Be Happy, Okay?
Have you ever been lonely? Alone in a crowd? Alone at a party where everyone has someone to turn to when the slow songs start playing? I have. And it sucks.
I’m 24, single, and it sucks. There, I said it.
It feels good to stop pretending I’m doing great. I mean on most days, I really am.
So what’s missing?
And I’ll say this, simply this, “A hug”, “A hand to hold”, “A conversation that matters at the end of the day.”
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t need anyone to be complete. I’m totally a pro at doing everything by myself. But I’m tired, and I just don’t want to do it anymore. I’m tired of falling asleep on trains and waking up in unfamiliar places.
Because, at the end of the day, I’m just empty. I feel nothing.
Where did I mess up?
I wish I knew. Because I followed the rules. I learned from my mistakes. I accepted my responsibilities. I did everything that was expected of me. But for what?
A silent phone? An empty bed? Tinder? A weekend spent watching romantic films and diving into a bag of Maltesers?
I just wish I didn’t have to go to places by myself. I wish I knew what a real date feels like because I’ve never been on one. I wish I could go through Christmas without feeling like an empty stocking.
I wish I had someone to take a long walk with. And tell them things I tell no one else, and have them understand. I think it’ll be nice to fall asleep knowing I’ll be in someone’s dreams tonight.
I know I have a job that lets me do what I love. I know I have my own share of successes. But I have no one to share that with.
I’m living my life on autopilot without really experiencing it, and days turn to months and months to years without anything really making me smile.
And I’m so afraid that I’ll look back on my twenties and discover that all I did was slave away at a desk and learn nothing new, make no good memories; make no memories at all.
So honestly, the last thing I need to hear after all the lies I tell myself is another one from you.
Don’t tell me I’m doing great and I don’t need a guy to be happy.
Those empty words, unasked for.
How could you know? How could you possibly know what I need?
Because I know I need more in my life than I have right now.
Because I’m a sucker for love, and I know that I’m going to be the happiest when I find my happily ever after. And maybe it doesn’t have to be a man, but that’s really not your concern.
If you still want to help, then help me fix this gaping void inside my chest. Tell me how to trade my loneliness for company I can count on. Teach me how to smile and trust and feel again.
Because it’s been so long, and I seem to have forgotten how.
KEEP IN TOUCH!
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