10 Of The Most Dangerous Heterosexual Sex Positions That Should Not Be Tried At Home!*
Kids, if you’re below 18, this is where you stop reading.
Pseudo adults, if you’re looking for guidance on how to keep your body and dignity intact in the bedroom, you’ve arrived at the right place.
Here are 10 of the most dangerous sex positions ever invented, and you’d do well to keep them out of your repertoire!
1. The Head Over Heels
What it looks like: The woman lowers herself to her knees, crosses her arms in front, and sticks her butt in the air. Her partner lifts her legs up by the ankles until her body is almost perpendicular to the floor, entering from behind.
What it looks like to me: A broken neck.
2. The Erotic Accordion
What it looks like: The woman squats down on her partner as he lies with his knees bent at his chest. She then moves up and down.
What it looks like to me: A seesaw ride where you have to work to be on top.
3. The Butter Churner
What it looks like: The woman lies on her back with her legs raised over her head. Her partner squats over her head as he thrusts in and out.
What it looks like to me: A recipe for disaster.
4. The Passion Propeller
What it looks like: The partner enters the woman in traditional missionary style, then proceeds to spin 360 degrees, like a propeller at the top of a helicopter.
What it looks like to me: A kick in the face.
5. The Wanton Wheelbarrow
What it looks like: The woman faces the bed, bent over with her head and arms resting on its surface. Her partner stands behind and raises one of her ankles to his hip. She shifts her weight to the leg that’s still on the ground and he enters from behind.
What it looks like to me: Paralysis for life.
6. The Backstairs Boogy
What it looks like: The woman kneels at the landing of a staircase, with her back to her partner’s face. She holds onto each side of the bannister for support while he holds her hips and moves in from behind.
What it looks like to me: Grazed knees and missing teeth.
7. The Head Game
What it looks like: The woman lies flat on the ground face up. Supporting her lower back, she lifts her legs up so they’re almost perpendicular to the ground. Her partner kneels before her so she can rest her legs against his torso and hold his thighs for some upside-down action.
What it looks like to me: Pain that exceeds pleasure.
8. The Linguini
What it looks like: The woman lies on her side, while her partner kneels directly behind her butt. He puts one of his knees between her legs, positioning his body for penetration. Pleasure is achieved when the woman keeps her limbs as limp as a noodle.
What it looks like to me: Tangled, Painful limbs.
9. The Carnal Crisscross
What it looks like: The woman lies on her side with her arms above her head while her partner lies on his side, perpendicular to her body. She raises her leg so he can place his lower body between her legs to join with hers.
What it looks like to me: A fracture down there.
10. The Waterfall
What it looks like: The woman straddles the man and he lies over the edge of the bed with his lower body on top. His head is on the floor as she rides him.
What it looks like to me: A fall from grace, right on his face.
My advice? Abort mission!
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