A Comprehensive 5-Step Guide To Farting in Public Without Letting Anyone Know

Imagine you ate some Rajma. (Stop drooling, I only said imagine). Then perhaps you boarded a crowded public transport of your choice. Perhaps you’re simply at a restaurant.

Suddenly your intestines and stomach refuse to co-operate anymore and absolutely insist on letting out enough wind to power a small city for a year.

What next?

Don’t worry. You’re human. And despite how sexy and sophisticated the team at Daily Social is, we’re human too. So we’re more than happy to help you on your journey to successfully fart in public without anyone important finding out.

#1 Surround Yourself With People

There’s nothing quite like a large group of suspects to deflect blame. So don’t be shy. Shove yourself right in the middle of a large conversation or at least make sure there’s enough conversation taking place around you to drown out any possible noises.

This way you can make new friends and in case you don’t like them, your fart will successfully make them stop speaking to you ever again.

#2 Whip Out Your Phone

Oh god! Something incredibly urgent has come up! You need to check your phone right now! What could the emergency be? Who cares!

Just desperately start swiping and talking to someone to make sure you look incredibly busy.

You are so busy in fact, that there’s no way you look like the kind of person who has time to fart. You’re fixing an imaginary problem of such a grand scale, your body has shut down all superfluous activity. Good for you.

#3 Squat

Here’s the moment of truth. Because by this time, your fart has built up to a glorious sulphuric crescendo.

Drop that phone. There’s no more time to waste. Drop it straight to the floor but make sure people don’t really notice. Who cares if it costs more than four months rent? There’s too much at stake.

Could you drop something else? Of course, but it wouldn’t be as dramatic.

And just as you bend to pick up that precious device – let it go. Release your gases into the atmosphere and hope for the best.

#4 Walk Away Like A Boss

Here’s for the moment of truth.

There might be suspicion abound. But no matter what you do, don’t flinch. Don’t let them know anything. Just keep tapping your phone. If anyone asks “What was that? It smells like Salman Khan’s acquittal in here!” don’t answer them.

Just slowly start walking away.

#5 Shoot All The Witnesses

Oh no! They’ve realized it was you all along!

Simply remove your favourite firearm from your backpack and eliminate all possible witnesses.

Real bullets mean you’ll go to jail.

Fake bullets mean you might still go to jail or at least be fired.

But on the plus side, you’ll be alone in your cell and can fart away without anyone to witness your shame ever again.

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Posted by

Mehernaz Patel

"Not as funny as she thinks she is..." -Facebook Comment Section

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