7 Legendary Historic Kings And Queens Who Were Nuttier Than A Snickers Bar

Kings and Queens are pretty cool. If you think inherited power without merit is cool.

But you really can’t deny the important role monarchies played throughout history and some do even today. Which is why there is a certain standard of behaviour one really expects from men and women who wear the crown.

So it’s no wonder history doesn’t look too kindly upon these rulers who weren’t exactly what one might call the brightest bulbs around.

#1 Zhengde Of China Was Really Into Cosplay…And Booze

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A Ming dynasty monarch who ascended the throne at the age of 4 really proves just why a male the age of the average Justin Bieber fan should no be put in charge of governance.

Notorious for getting drunk and visiting brothels in his spare and not spare time, the Emperor had a harem of women that was so full, they actually even died because there wasn’t enough food to feed the women he wanted to bonk.

But despite everything, he was widely seen as competent, till he decided to erect a make-believe city street in his palace and force ministers and officials to pretend to be sellers and merchants. He even fired those who refused to act like commoners. Yet despite all his achievements, both good and questionable he died at 29 in a scene straight out of a Hangover sequel. Got drunk and fell off his boat.

#2 Juana The First Of Spain Was A  Little Jealous

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So this is more a tragedy than outright nuttiness but still deserves a mention.

The Queen of Spain was one of the few early royals who got to marry someone they actually liked. The rest were relegated to marrying cousins with money, or foreigners with money, or children with money or – you get the point. Juana of Castille got to marry Philip of Burgundy who was the absolute best. Till he started having countless affairs and broke her heart.

So she understandably got a little jealous and tried to make sure only unattractive women were hired to fill various positions in her household. She even used potions and went on a hunger strike so her husband would stop ignoring her. And then he died.

But she wasn’t done being what one might describe as a little clingy. She got his coffin opened to kiss his corpse’s feet. She also didn’t allow any ladies near the coffin, in case he’d come back to life for one last bang-a-thon.

#3 Tsar Paul I Liked Uniforms

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Very much the Rahul Gandhi of the Romanovs, Paul 1 was the son of a formidable woman, Katherine the Great. And he was not a fan of her, maybe because she had his father killed, but then again that wasn’t too rare back then.

But what we do know is that he had the bones of his mother’s lover dug up from his grave – and then scattered his bones, just because he could. Then he followed it up by changing the army’s uniforms from practical to not.

Before him, his mother had changed Russia’s uniforms to simple and cheap to make, he changed that into uniforms that were so elaborate, they couldn’t really be used for much. Armymen hated their uniforms because of how hard they were to maintain. And if that wasn’t enough, Paul made them parade around in these uniforms in the dead of Russian winter.

There’s really nothing worse than parading around in fancy uniforms in boner shrinking cold.

#4 For Friedrich Wilhelm I, It Was All About Size

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As any enthusiastic Indian boyfriend will be happy to tell you, it’s not about size, it’s about how you use it. Friedrich Wilhelm would disagree.

The King of Prussia was obsessed with the Prussian military being the absolute best in the world and he knew one surefire way to make that happen – hire only tall dudes. He even created the Potsdam Giants which was a regiment that exclusively hired men over 6’2″. Which was exceptionally tall at the time.

Wilhelm went so far as to send his envoys to foreign countries to hire these tall men for his regiment and encouraged tall men and women to bone and make tall babies. What’s hilarious though is the name Potsdam is a pretty prestigious name but the common people just referred to the soldiers as “Lange Kerle”, which loosely translates to “holy shit our King is really into tall dudes.”

#5 Anna of Russia Was Cold AF

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Having a sense of humour is one thing, having one this good is legendary.

As a woman, Anna was often disregarded by her handlers. Seen as a puppet who would easily fall into line with other people’s wishes. Suffice to say, Anna was not. She was ruler who enjoyed her role as head of state. But unfortunately, she is remembered for this one crazy thing she did.

Like a demented Elsa from Frozen, she built an ice castle. For some reason and then forced a prince and her maid to get married and celebrate their marriage in this ice castle.

This might sound like a two-year-old’s idea of revenge but it becomes much more sinister when the married couple only survived because the bride sold her necklace to a guard for a sheepskin blanket.

#6 Sultan Ibrahim I  Was All About That Bass… And Murder

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Almost single-handedly responsible for the fall of the Ottoman’s Ibrahim’s life was one long parade of plus-sized ladies and violence. Declared Sultan after the death of his older brother, he was encouraged by his mother to make sure he has heirs to succeed him.

And so he did, with a giant harem he liked so much, he’d often gather them in one place and apparently run around them while neighing like a horse. And if this behaviour wasn’t normal enough, he was obsessed with plus-sized women to the point where he charged his servants to find the largest woman in the kingdom. When the returned with one, he exhibited the same level of finesses as your thirteen-year-old cousin and named her “sugar cube”.

Curvy ladies weren’t the only thing to excite him though, he was also happy feeding his fish with gold coins and robbing his subjects’ homes for jewellery and perfume.

Unfortunately, he killed 280 of the curvy ladies when he discovered one of them had been with another man but he couldn’t figure out which.

#7 Caligula Was F**ked Up Yo

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Let’s just list out the things historians claim the man did. It’ll be quicker.

  • Slept with other men’s wives and then told everyone about it
  • Asked his guards to feed the audience at a games ceremony to the beasts because he was bored
  • Apparently regularly indulged in sexy-time with his sisters
  • Insisted people worship him like a god
  • Liked his horse enough to try making him a royal consul
  • Reportedly wrote new laws in tiny handwriting and put them in hard to find places. Then punished people who weren’t aware of the laws

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Posted by

Mehernaz Patel

"Not as funny as she thinks she is..." -Facebook Comment Section

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