7 Increasingly Stupid Things To Do To Get Your Crush To Notice You In 2018

It’s 2018! An unenthusiastic “yay” is in order. So yay.

But nothing about New Year’s Eve is going to make you feel shittier than all the unnecessarily happy couples you will be surrounded with when the clock strikes 12. And what’s going to make you feel even shittier?

Your crush standing 10 feet away, enjoying themselves without you.

But not all is lost. There are some simple tips you can gainfully employ to catch your crush’s attention and keep it on you in 2018.

Say Hi…


Even though Bollywood will do its damnedest to convince you otherwise, nobody is going to notice you sitting quietly in the corner of the room. You need to get up make your move, show them how confident you are.

So walk up to your crush, make sure they see you coming and blow their minds with a cool, collected “Hi”.

One of two things will happen – they’ll fall in love with you and the deodorant you’ve been using since you were 14 or ignore you completely. If it’s the first, success! If not, maybe it’s time to stop substituting showers with AXE for men.

Dress Appropriately…


Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. That’s the kind of things assholes who already have jobs tend to say. But they do have a point.

A sharp outfit is guaranteed to grab eyeballs for all the right reasons. You look cool, sharp, fashion-forward and hopefully sexy. Your crush will be super impressed that you spent a whole 700 rupees on a shirt you will never wear again.

Or wear the latest runway fashions to really seal the deal.

Cook For Them…


If you’re a chef great. You can woo the love of your life with calories and sodium till they die happily in their early 50’s due to cardiac arrest.

But if you can’t cook Maggi without fucking it up then there are still a couple of options at your disposal. You can order in food from a fancy restaurant and totally pretend it was all you.

But if you’re still afraid of being discovered feel free to murder the cook who made your meal so your crush will never find out.

Try To Catch Their Eye…


Aankon aankon mein pyaar is the creepiest and yet commonly observed romantic trend around the world. So why not give it a shot.

Star longingly into your loved one’s eyes no matter what they are doing. Whether they’re working, eating, relaxing at home with family or sleeping, there you are. Stare into their soul till they fall in love with you or call the police.

Either way, it will be an affair neither of you will ever forget.

Find Common Interests…


Not all couples understand this but by God, you definitely do. Impress them with just how much you know about them. Head over to their Facebook, Instagram, Twitter or Whatsapp profiles and try to figure out the things they love.

You could make the effort to talk to them and find out organically, but who has the time?

If your crush keeps well away from social media to avoid stalkers like you, don’t worry. Simply kidnap their closest friends and parents to learn more about them than you ever could on Facebook.

Surprise Them With A Gift…


A gift is a great way to give your loved one a little piece of you. Something that will stay with them forever.

You could go the classic way and give them something stupid like flowers, or chocolates, or jewellery. Of if its a boy give him whatever boys like.

But if you really want to make a statement, ignore social protocol and find out what your crush truly wants. Do they have a problem with their boss? Are they unable to get a promotion because of a backbiting colleague? Family inheritance troubles?

Simply murder the source of their annoyance and present their severed head to your crush in a box.

Best. Surprise. Ever.

Snort A Pound Of Cocaine…


Are you tired of all the murder? Why not try drugs?

Drugs are the perfect way to completely ignore your romantic and professional failings and live life to the fullest. A large-scale meltdown is just the thing to get your crush to notice you this 2018. And the kicking and screaming as security drags you away is the perfect way to declare your love.

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Posted by

Mehernaz Patel

"Not as funny as she thinks she is..." -Facebook Comment Section

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