10 Worst Dictators In History Purely Based On Their Facial Hair And Not Their Atrocities

These dictators did not need political powers, what they needed was a GOOD barber.

Disclaimer: This article is a parody. If you are going to send comments about what a douchebag the writer is, do a favor, stop reading this ASAP!

Dictators have a bad rep. Mostly because of inefficient governance, mass massacres and in general not being top-notch human beings. While they are known to be ruthless and heartless, here is one more thing wrong with them – their facial hair.

While the kill count and their atrocities have made them part of a barbaric history, they should also have gone down for the most horrible facial hair fashion (if that is even a thing).

#1. Muammar Al-Gaddafi

Uhmm… The man who started Civil War in his own country – Libya – and ended up torturing and killing thousands, you’ll think would have more of an aggressive facial hair. Sadly,  no. We are left to deal with the remains of an almost beard and mustache and horrible governance. It went out of style when he died in 2011.


#2. Vlad III

This guy impaled his enemies on a stake and left them to die. They died a painful death after hours of being impaled. He was also known as a sadist. He was closely associated with the myth of Dracula and vampire. Honestly, I personally think he was a masochist too, why would anyone want a weird ass mustache and a soul patch like that. Especially in that combination!


#3. Bashar al-Assad

It looks like someone forgot to shave their upper lips. This kinda facial hair should be disqualified. It is vague AF, but it does make for a good abstract art, don’t you think?


#4. Francisco Franco

One question: Why? This could technically be a less harsh stache of Hitler’s version. Only rock this look if you plan to kill 15,000 to 50,000 people and you hail from Spain. Otherwise, it would be smart to abort the idea.


#5. Fidel Castro

Okay, that is a decent growth. He only makes it to the list because it isn’t well groomed. A trim and some wax would even have scored him a 7/10.


#6. Ziaur Rahman

This Bangladeshi politician happened to be the first military dictator to serve as the president. He formed one of the largest political party to come out of Bangladesh. Sadly for all his power and might, he still sported a dad mustache.


#7. Bismark

He was known for his shrewd and cunning. He was a dictator through and through and led Germany with that mustache of his. His diplomatic strategy, however, was overshadowed by his shabby stache. No barber will be recommending this look anytime soon.


#8. Leopold II of Belgium

Also a King, Leopold was not the nicest guy around. You’d think that full beard would have given him away, but no. He went on to enslave locals of Congo and created slave colonies. He was barbaric and forced them into labor. What he could have done instead was hire a good barber for regular grooming.


#9. Joseph Stalin

No offense, but this mustache is a porno mustache. It is thick and dense and very well groomed. This is also a mustache you should grow if kidnapping young children is your hobby. On a scale of 1 – 10, this gets a 5. It is creepy AF.


#10. Adolf Hitler

What is that even and can it even be called a mustache? Führer certainly did not have a thing called taste. This is the most iconic of mustaches, this is how history remembers him (apart from mass murders and being a horrible person), with horrible facial hair. A grammar Nazi would say that is an ‘En’ dash.


Honestly, men, if you plan to rule a country or a colony, groom yourself more aesthetically. At least, even if we are sick of your governance, looking at you won’t feel like a chore. Next time, if you plan on having a very ambitious political career bordering on barbarism, hire a barber and pay him loads to keep your facial hair groomed for God’s sake! This is such a shit show and history remembers!

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Tagger of memes and maker of awesome coffee. Also, writes mean stuff once in a while. 'She makes jokes so bad, they are good. Kinda.' ~ Everyone

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