10 Medical Treatments We’re Thankful Doctors Don’t Prescribe Anymore

Doctors exist for two reasons. To prescribe life-saving drugs and write sick notes that make your weekend in Goa look like a debilitating disease.

But being in a position where you’re in charge of people’s lives must be rather stressful, which is why it’s totally understandable that some doctors came up with the weirdest medical treatments possible.

They might not have even done it to cure people, maybe they just did it for the lulz.

#1 Farts In A Jar

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Hold your breath. Now hold it some more.

Back in the 1600s, London was taken over by the plague and doctors thought it was a result of deadly poison floating about in the air. So, in their infinite wisdom, they decided to stop the spread of poison by keeping something with a strong smell nearby.

And what smell could be stronger than the farts of a nation whose day begins with beans? So doctors advised the people to keep their farts in a container and sniff regularly.

#2 Tomato Ketchup

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The international condiment used generously to improve mom’s cooking was once thought to be a cure for diarrhoea.

Back when humans presumably couldn’t taste things, ketchup was made of fish or mushrooms. But then in 1834, John Bennett decided to add tomato to the mix and life has never been the same. The only problem was that he decided to go around telling everyone his new and improved ketchup could cure things.

Like Jaundice.
Indigestion.
And diarrhoea.

He even went so far as to turn his ketchup into pills that could “fix broken bones”.

#3 Cocaine And Wine (Vin Mariani)

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Let’s take a minute to appreciate how this sounds more like a billionaire’s Sunday than a medicinal remedy.

In 1863, a chemist presumably tired of sampling his nation’s delicious foods thought he’d take a break with a glass of wine. Not just any glass of wine, but one treated with coca leaves.

Coca as in straight up cocaine. Then that drink was marketed as a tonic for  “overworked men, delicate women, and sickly children.”

Heard that parents? If your child refuses to stop whining, hit them up with some cocaine and witness the miracle of illegal drugs before your very eyes!

#4 Pulverized Mice

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Say you’re in ancient Egypt, suffering from an awful toothache and suddenly you spot a rat. Now there’s always the option to just kill the fucker.

But why not mash him into tiny pieces and apply generously to your tooth. Will it soothe the pain? No.

Will it teach that mouse and every other mouse a valuable lesson? Hell, yeah!

#5 Half Cut Mice

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No, we’ve not repeated ourselves.

This was another remedy that was used as late as the early 1600s in England. About the same time they were sniffing farts from a jar.

Mice would be chopped neatly in half and then applied to warts and lesions on the skin. Once again, England proves how miraculous it is that they managed to take over half the world.

#6 “Soothing Syrup”

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Quick – Does “Soothing Syrup” sound like a medicine or something a shady man gives you before the bar shuts down?

You’d be wrong either way though. A mixture of morphine and alcohol, the syrup was popularly administered to babies in the 1800’s to make them shut the fuck up.

Because it’s not legal to strap tape to a toothing baby’s mouth, it makes much more sense to just get him nice and drunk so you can finally get some work done at home.

#7 Cut Off Tongues

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Stuttering can stem from various psychological and physiological sources. But scientists and doctors gave all that logical reasoning a hearty “fuck you” back in the 1700’s and 1800’s by simply cutting half of a patient’s tongue off.

Can’t get your tongue to perform properly? Cut half of it off! Let’s be thankful they didn’t extend this flawless logic to penises.

#8 Mercury

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Ever taken a long hard look at at a thermometer and thought “Damn, that silvery thing inside looks delicious. I need to put it in my mouth”.

On the downside, you’re an idiot who’ll have to be sent to the hospital. On the plus side, you have successfully recreated a cure for syphilis that was incredibly popular until the 20th century.

It’s understandable that doctors were desperate for a cure for syphilis considering it was a sexy disease that caused sores, organ shutdown and mental retardation.

#9 Meth

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Considering cocaine and opiates have made their way to this list, it would be cruel to leave meth out. But the story behind meth as medicine is far more interesting that doctors who were too bored.
Turns out Hitler took regular butt injections to keep him all perky and happy so he could kill Jews while maintaining a good work environment. These butt injections include vitamins and also methadone.

Suffice it to say that there was enough to keep the Fuhrer heil. Get it?

Sorry.

#10 Crocodile Dung

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Technically more of a contraceptive than a medicine, the ancient Egyptians did not mess around when it came to not getting accidentally pregnant.

Although, the very fact that there’s crocodile poo in the same room that you’re about to bone in might just be deterrent enough.

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Posted by

Mehernaz Patel

"Not as funny as she thinks she is..." -Facebook Comment Section

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