Because India Can’t Agree On Anything, Let’s At Least Try To Figure Out A National Dish
Many countries have national dishes that are their pride and joy. Scotland, for example, loves stuffing a sheep’s organs into its stomach.
Japan loves going for some Salmon sperm.
And Greenland is weird. So they don’t even eat their dead animals immediately, they eat them after letting them rot for a few months.
But India does have one. Technically. So what could it be? If we say it’s Butter Chicken or Biryani, the south gets pissed. If we say it’s idli or dosa, the North asks for Butter Chicken Next to the idlis.
So because this isn’t Republic TV and we want to avoid debate at all costs, we’re going to propose dishes everybody all around India loves.
Nobody hates Aloo Bhujia. Nobody. Aloo Bhujia is Sev’s sexier cousin. But unlike Sev, she doesn’t need puri taste her best.
Aloo Bhujia is her own woman, spicy, crunchy and is always good with alcohol.
She’s affordable but never really cheap.
She’s beautiful without trying.
She unites drunk men even when they’re about to kill each other.
Lays Magic Masala is the perfect Indian food. It’s hot, made from potatoes and results in patriotic smelling farts about 10 minutes after you eat it.
Because while other countries eat their food and tell each other about how good it was. Indians don’t need to say much. We just let our body do the talking. The smelly, smelly talking.
Maggi is very much the Vijay Mallya of junk foods. After people found some shady stuff in it, it had to be taken off shelves.
Unlike Vijay Mallya though, Indian people wanted Maggi back.
It’s tangy, cheap and like most Indian people, insists it will be there in 2 minutes but is definitely going to take at least 10.
Papad is hard working.
Tamatar-Pyaaz-Cheese ka bhoj uthata hain papad.
Gravy-Schezwan-Chutney mein doobta hain papad.
Jab khaana na aaye tab khaate ho papad,
Jab naseeb kharab to belte ho papad.
Papad needs no acknowledgement, papad asks for no prizes. It deserves its due reward.
Achaar is the single thing which makes bland shit palatable. We loved it so much, we ended up putting it on the one thing nobody thought needed to be any spicier – men’s penises.
Thanks to Kama Sutra we can spice up our sex lives just as much as we spice up our mom’s barely edible daal. Clearly, achaar makes everything easier to swallow.
We’re not suggesting paratha, or kulcha or naan, or anything else you guys can argue about. We’re talking about plain, butterless, mom-has-no-time-for-your-bullshit roti.
This dry, crusty food is a an absolute favourite of people around the country without spoons and cash.
Speaking of plain, dry and butterless things, our country will never forget the importance of Parle – G. And the sacrifices it has made.
Whether we want to feed dogs we like or feed relatives we don’t like, we’re always happy to spend the 10 rupees necessary to buy a single packet of Parle-G.
“Indi-chini bhai bhai” isn’t just a phrase. It means far more than words. It is a promise that India has made. A promise that every time we open a packet of chakli, Khakra or kachori – we will always honour our Chinese neighbours and dip it in some schezwan sauce.
Because as Indians, if we can’t dip something dry into something wet before eating it, we’re really not interested.
Some idiots have been going around telling people that Biryani is overrated. These idiots are wrong. Biryani is perfect. But the reason these idiots cannot understand is because they are eating Biryani without Raita.
Raita combines curds with onions, tomatoes, bundi, pinapple, chilli, pretty much whatever you want. Raita accepts everything. Raita is a saviour for white people who decided to try Indian food for the frst time.
Raita is love. It’s great when you get it for free.
Don’t you dare argue with me on this.
This man is a national treasure.
We love him. He deserves to know.
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