7 Popular Condom Flavours That Are Incredibly Unsexy If You Really Think About It

Condoms are great right? they’re little buddies for your little buddy! They’ve got you covered, very, very, literally. They don’t fuck around, just so you can. Which is why, ever so gradually, humanity is happy to celebrate them. They’re bringing condoms out of the shadows. Into the limelight and then safely back into the shadows to have sex. One way of doing this is to release condoms with new and exciting flavours.

Condoms that taste as good as they – uh – fuck?

But for some reason I find these flavours particularly offensive. For reasons I will elaborate below. No judgement if you’re into them though. We don’t judge.

#1 Banana (Ek Dozen Kitne Ka?)

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Kela. Banana. Banane. అరటి. 

Whichever language you go with, bananas are NOT sexy.

What is so appealing about a giant yellow fruit?

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OOOhhhh.

But guys do understand what comes after that right? We bite it off. Halfway. Ruthlessly. What’s sexy about that? Me personally, I can’t get rid of the image of the friendly banya who sells bananas outside my building.

He doesn’t need to be familiar with my dirtier exploits. He is a good man.

#2 Chocolate (Kuch Meetha Ho Jaye?)

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I refuse to admit chocolate is sexy. Chocolate is delicious, sweet and stands for racial quality. But that doesn’t make it sexy. Not even close.

Chocolate stands for childhood and desserts. Not for disgusting fluids being streamed form one body to another. For God’s sake Amitabh Bachchan endorses this shit. There’s no way he approves of you desperately getting it on before your parents come home.

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#3 Mint (Polo – The Mint For Your Hole)

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Mint is my favourite flavour in general. Mint is toothpaste – the refreshing kick that your day begins with. As soon as toothpaste hits your mouth, you know that you’re ready to take on the world.

Which leads me to the question – Why the hell would you want your dick to taste like toothpaste?

Which woman is going around spreading these absolute lies? Imagine how weird Colgate ads would be if Lara Dutta bursts into your bedroom demanding to know -“Kya aapke lingam pe pudina hain?”

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Plus, next time someone has minty breath, you’ll wonder if they brushed their teeth…or...

#4 Coffee (Ho Shuru Har Dine Aise)

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Are you the kind of person who really really likes Starbucks/CCD? Did the Nescafe ad excite you a little too much? Well then, this should be the perfect flavour for you.

In fact, you can recreate the entire experience of a coffee shop in your bedroom. All you need is –

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30 to 40 people Ordering Lattes
1 Guy Who is misspelling your name on a cup

Sex.

#5 Jasmine (Puja Karo Pyar Se)

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Why! WHY? 1 positive thing in this scenario is the room smells great after you’re done. Problem is, it smells like you and your partner just vigorously performed a pooja in your bedroom.

Problem is, it smells like you and your partner just vigorously performed a pooja in your bedroom. The thing is foreigners won’t get why this is a problem. See in India, flowers aren’t used to woo women, they’re used for puja.

These flowers are too closely related to God to even possibly find them sexy. So no matter what Sunny Leone says, we’re not buying it.

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#6 Marijuana (

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In case anyone important is reading this, I have never smoked pot. Pot is a suxx. Dope is deshdrohi.

But from what other people have told me, it doesn’t really seem like people are into actually eating the damn thing. Because pot isn’t like spinach and other delicious leaves. Pot tastes like people’s feet that have been hanging out with Anil Kapoor’s chest sweat.

That’s probably why we decided to smoke it in the first place. What else can you do with a leaf that tastes so disgusting except burn it?

#7 Bubble Gum (Chabao)

You know what we do with bubblegum? perhaps an illustration would help.

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No more explanation will be provided.

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Posted by

Mehernaz Patel

"I look so much like her" -Victoria Beckham

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