10 Totally Desi And Senseless Ways To Die

Disclaimer: This article is a parody and does not disrespect or make light of suicide or suicidal tendencies. If humor is what you seek, please proceed. If you are seriously thinking of ending life, seek professional medical help and abort googling stuff, ASAP.


It’s Friday and the weekend is around the corner. Some days inspiration strikes you like lightning and other days you are just pulling at threads to make sense. Today is one of those days where anything goes. It doesn’t really go anywhere, it just stays. Sometimes inspiration is stuck in traffic and you get shitty ideas like this.

In this article, we shall look at typical Indian scenarios that are perfect for ending life.

Here are 10 ways you can kill yourself, desi style!

#1. Choke on a piece of elaichi in Biryani

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Biryani is awesome. Biryani is exactly the thing you need to make everything in your life right. Biryani after an especially shitty day is just the thing you need. This rice delicacy can also turn fatal when a dank elaichi chooses to choke you.

#2.Get killed for eating beef

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It’s banned, you cannot eat it. The holy cow is one way to get yourself at the holy gates of heaven or hell.

#3.Gharwalon ki galiyaan sunke

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Indian families are great at taunts and free life advice. The constant chatter of the same at regular intervals is perfect for disintegrating your self-esteem, soul and then eventually your existence from planet earth!

#4.Spontaneously combust if you don’t get married by 35

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For women, this bracket could be as high as 26. Career, financial stability or even love, of course, have nothing to do with people getting married. Societal norms suggest: get busy marrying or get busy dying. If you chose not to marry by 35 you spontaneously combust into ashes.

#5. Dhinchak Pooja approaches towards you in her Audi. Oh..wait, that’s Salman Khan

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No roads or footpaths in this country are safe. Imagine a world where Dhinchak Pooja sings the background vocals to Salman Khan driving an SUV. That is one desi death happening, in the footpaths near you.

#6.Slowly degrading into a skeleton waiting for an auto

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Mumbai autowallahs are killers. They can make you feel utter misery and yet you want to stick around in the hope that one of them might ply you a ride.

#7.Selling your both your kidneys, first for Bieber concert and now for Ed Sheeran

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With no kidneys left, the death comes circling around you like the gossiping neighborhood aunty.

#8. Waiting for a heart transplant but Sharmaji ka beta beats you to it

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That Sharmaji ka beta is responsible for more deaths in the country than any other natural calamity. And he’ll be the death of you!

#9.All that swiping on Tinder is giving you a stroke

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Tinder can lead to finger stroke and death. With no matches in sight and a dysfunctional hand do you have anything to live for?

#10.Taking the Devdas route too seriously

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We didn’t know you meant it when you said you were a die-hard Devdas fan. With no kidneys left and raging alcoholism, you sing your way to death, gracefully.

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Srilata

Writes stuff.

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